I can gaurd your heart's language

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I guess I’ll turn the phone off

not this again
i get the voice mail
when you push call end
im tired of waiting for you to pick up
playing pretending everything is alright
this is cycle more often than every other fortnight

I’ll try to do what you do
make you see what I see
can you feel what i feel
if i do what you do to me
would you even change

I tell you i’ll lower my expectations
you said thats not right
you arent what i will ever want 
fighting is the explanation of all this

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"I want to see other people

Your enough but not at the moment. I want to date you later. I’m coming back to date you later.”

You’re saying things that I like hearing. The same words that shouldnt be bringing me joy, also brings emotional stress. Here comes the anxiety. My heart will beat faster again. If I see you I’ll start shakin. Emotions uncontrollable and I wont be the same unless you’re with me again. But I should probably walk away cause I wanna be free like the way I used to be… Before the depressions, abandonment, forgetting  who I am. I’m not the same person when i wake up.

Filed under ex moving on love lost love

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I don’t like surprises

surprises aren’t planned
I like to get used to a certain order
I like when things can be predicted even to a T
It’s why I hate the weather, it’s why I don’t like scary movies
I stick to what I know, because what i know wont hurt me
I need to plan plan plan so I can be prepared

I don’t like new things
When there are new things it means i have to adapt
Don’t bring something to me abruptly
I need time to adjust or I’ll have a nervous break down
I need time to adapt
new things frighten me because they’re unknown to me

So when I met you I eventually got used to you
I was getting to know your quirks, how you moved,
I knew what you’d say next and it made me complete
I almost knew when you were going to smile
I was getting comfortable

Everyday I would think of you
Everyday you’d say I love you
I would usually see or hear from you
It was something I could feel at ease to

You left me and I broke down
All that I have known is gone
I hate new, I hate forced change
I can’t quickly adapt so I break down

You came back i felt comfortable again
I settled down feeling home
I felt safe

you left a couple handful of times
I was scared, I didn’t know anything anymore
You came back 
I didn’t feel at ease

I didn’t feel safe anymore
But I stayed because it was all I knew
I don’t like new, I don’t like the change

Filed under heart feels poetry thoughts love heartbreak be strong

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And I’m the tired of the memory that strings you to pain

All the thread that you connect with has much regret.
You are a hazard. And with each finger you can manipulate me to move to your whim. My actions are unknowingly there to please you.I find myself waiting for you to beckon me to your side. I want to feel needed and love.
I’m desperate for your attention in any kind. Whether it’s a hello in a message or a quick hug.

Dare I rely on it to make me feel whole?

How dare you abuse me emotionally mentally.
You made me rely on you.
That made me weak.

l’ll cut myself free from you.

Filed under real talk

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With my heart’s deepest concern

Lays with you.I worry with curiosity of your whereabouts. I wonder if I travel with your everyday  thoughts mindlessly. Just strolling along with your grocery list. You know you shouldn’t get junk food. Its bad for you. I reember a time when you ate so much chocolate that it gave you a sugar rush. You came to me no sooner than an hour later sleepy and asking to cuddle.
Oh how I do want to hold you in my arms. I watch you crawl to lay in my lap. I watch your hair waiting to land aswith you hair sprawled out against my tummy. The sensation gently tickles my skin. I watch you gaze at the television with bags under your eyes as you await for tomorrow with me.
I want to be in this little bubble we have made for ourselves. Its cozy and safe. If we enter to the outer world, will we still be connected. Will we still hold onto the string that is our love? Will the thread grow weary and tear if we hit rocks. Id like to believe every moment that comes to our attention, is able to


Filed under nottions love test